


watch it come back around

by miss_bennie



Category: Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-20
Updated: 2010-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-13 20:51:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/141608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_bennie/pseuds/miss_bennie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Holly J. Sinclair tackles life at Degrassi without Jane - and it's harder than she thought it would be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	watch it come back around

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aphrodite_mine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphrodite_mine/gifts).



> Merry Yuletide, Aphrodite_Mine! I really hope that you enjoy this.

New York is over and the summer ends like it never really happened at all, and it feels like everything’s come crashing down. Pretty soon Holly’s perched on Jane’s bed, watching Jane pack. She’s leaving.

“You’re not folding that right,” Holly says, watching Jane manhandle a shirt. “You need to roll it up instead. Less wrinkles, more friends.”

“Thanks for the advice,” Jane arches her eyebrow, the shirt now dangling from her hand at her hip. “You want to do this? I know you’re pretty busy right now.”

“Yeah, I don’t fold things.” Holly looks down at the screen of her phone, texting Declan about their Skype plans for later. Jane’s spending the evening with her Mom; then she’s flying out to California tomorrow. Holly’s trying not to think about it. Not that she _needs_ Jane or anything, she’s just gotten used to how things are. At least she has Declan. Sort of. Whatever, this time next year she’ll be packing to go to Yale (and not a crappy little apartment, thanks Mom), and her life can finally start. Like Jane’s is, right now.

“Hey,” Jane’s voice comes through Holly’s thoughts, breaking her concentration. “Earth to Holly.” She has her biggest suitcase closed; when Holly glances around the room looks emptier. When did that happen?

“Sorry,” Holly mutters, swinging her legs over to the side of the bed and standing up, “I was just-”

“Thinking about Declan and Yale, I know.” Jane rolls her eyes, zipping the case closed loudly and hoisting it to the floor, cocking her hip against the handle at the same time so it stands upright.

“I wasn’t-” Holly starts, knowing that it’s no use.

“Please, like I didn’t spend my summer boning up on _Holly and Declan: Did you know they’re going to Yale together?_ ” Jane laughs.

“Yeah, well,” Holly hates that she can feel herself crumbling a little bit under Jane’s gaze, trying to blink away the hot press of tears behind her eyes, “it’s not like I have anything else to look forward to.” She can hear herself, and how bitter she sounds - she wants to pinch herself or something to get it together. She looks away, at the stack of rolled up posters leaning against Jane’s closet door.

“Holly,” Jane’s voice is soft and un-Jane-like, and her palm comes to rest on Holly’s shoulder, thumb running comforting circles along the edge of her tank top. “This apartment might not be so bad. Declan, too. You guys will work out the distance thing.”

“I know,” Holly leans into the weight of Jane’s hand for a split second, letting herself feel that comfort before pulling away and straightening her shoulders. “I know,” she says again, her voice steady this time. When she turns toward Jane, Jane’s eyes are trained on Holly’s face, like she’s trying to decide something.

“Senior year, it’s your turn to take over the school, Madame President.” Jane finally says, nodding and dropping her hand from Holly’s arm. She almost smiles.

“Please, I’m going to change that place before I’m gone. No one will ever forget me.” Holly tries to match Jane’s expression, the whir of the ceiling fan loud above their heads.

“That’s more like it,” Jane pulls out her phone, glancing at the screen and pushing her hair out of her face. “C’mon, you can watch me lug all this downstairs before we have to say goodbye.”

“Move out special, Vaughn, just don’t tell anyone.” Holly grabs the smallest box from Jane’s desk, listening to Jane laugh behind her as she heads down the stairs.

*

Holly’s trying to keep her cool. As if this whole Sav ruining her life and thinking he can win the presidency over her is bad enough, she spends all her spare time either packing up her whole life, trying to calm Anya down about Sav and how supportive he’s being about the baby (“It’s a _fake_ baby, get a grip,” has become Holly’s new most-said expression), or _just_ missing opportunities to talk to Jane or Declan.

“Gotta go,” Jane’s saying, her voice not quite syncing up with the slightly blurred image of her on the screen.

“What? Already?” Holly doesn’t even try to keep the disappointment out of her voice, because this is the third time in as many weeks that she’s been able to talk to Jane for what, three minutes before she’s running off to do something else.

“Better than nothing,” it looks like Jane shrugs, “I have class...time difference, remember?”

“Yeah yeah. I’d say I’ll talk to you later, but that’s not likely.” Holly rubs at a spot of dust on her space bar.

“Email, Holly. Things are just hectic now because it’s still the beginning of the semester. And now I’m _really_ going to be late. Later.” Before Holly can respond, Jane disappears.

“Nice to talk to you too,” Holly says, sighing and closing her laptop.

“Who are you talking to?” comes the voice from her door, and Holly spins to see her Mom standing there, crossing her arms.

“God, Mom, you scared me.” Holly leans over, grabbing one of the folded up boxes she’s been trying to ignore. “I’m packing, don’t worry.”

“I wasn’t here to tell you to pack.” Mom steps into the room, sitting on the bed and patting the space next to her for Holly to sit down.

“Oh.” Holly sits, dropping the box on the floor at her feet. “What is it then? More good news?”

“ _Holly_ ,” her Mom’s voice has a warning tone to it, “this isn’t the end of the world.”

“Right.” Holly leans forward on her legs, away from her Mom’s reach. She tries not to flinch when her Mom sighs, loudly.

“So,” her Mom tries again, brightly, “how’s the election coming? Good?”

“Yeah,” Holly doesn’t meet her Mom’s eyes, “it’s going great.”

“See?” Mom pats her back, awkwardly, “your whole life isn’t ending, Holly.”

*

 _Okay, not to sound overly dramatic, but my life is ending. This is what happens when you aren’t around to tell me that I’m about to fuck up royally. I didn’t realize that “teen father” is a big vote getter, but whatever. I’ll just keep going to meetings where I have to sit there and watch Sav do my job. You know what he did last night? He asked me for my opinion and before I could even answer he was changing the subject. That’s right - I was patronized. Wtf?_

 _At least Fi’s around now. She’s so much better, Jane. Really. I know that when we talked the other day you weren’t saying what you were thinking, that she’s a giant mess, but it’s nice having someone around all the time who, I don’t know, cares?_

 _It’s not just about the money thing, which...thanks for not flipping out when I told you about that. I just needed something to put me over the edge now that I’m not President, to show Yale that they need me there. That prep course...that’s just the first step. Fi would be here for me even if I didn’t owe her thousands of dollars. Plus, it’s a little like having Declan around. That’s not weird, so shut up before you even say anything._

 _Anyway. How’s your poli sci class? Did that paper go over well? Also, if you were serious about joining that a cappella group then we’re no longer friends, sorry._

 _I’m serious. Friendship over._

*

Breaking up with Declan is worse than moving into the apartment, it’s worse than when she found out just how much everyone hated her last year, it’s worse than....well, it’s worse than a lot of things.

But. It still feels right? Holly almost feels like something’s been lifted off of her shoulders. Yale is still there, but it’s not because of someone else, it’s not _because_ of Declan. She can’t really explain it. She just feels free. And not in an entirely bad way.

“That’s a good thing, Holly. You and Declan made weird sense, but sometimes when things stop making sense, they just need to end.” Jane sounds distracted, pausing every few minutes to type something. Holly knows - she can hear the slight click of the keys in the background.

“I guess. Time to move on, right?” Holly sighs, repositioning her pillow and pressing her phone closer to her ear. It’s the middle of the night, but getting to talk to Jane on the phone is rare, so she’ll just deal with the extra concealer under her eyes tomorrow at school. It’s not like she’d be getting much sleep, anyway.

“Move on,” Jane echoes, and then it’s silent on her end for a minute. Holly waits for her to speak, feeling like she knows what’s coming. “So...have you seen Spin around at all?”

“Not really,” Holly pauses, considering. “I heard he’s in police college now.”

“ _Oh_.” Jane laughs. “That’s - well, good for him.”

“If I see him - “ Holly starts, but Jane cuts her off.

“Just tell him congrats for yourself, okay?” Jane’s voice sounds sharp, sure. Holly bites back what she really wants to say, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.

“Sure,” is what she says, and then there’s a sudden commotion on the other end of the phone, Jane saying that she has to go, sorry sorry, hanging up before Holly can respond. Holly places her phone carefully on her nightstand (too close to her bed in her new cramped room), and closes her eyes.

*

For the first time in their friendship, Holly lies, really lies, to Jane. She just - she doesn’t think that this whole... _thing_ with Sav is worth telling anyone about. By the time Jane’s back for any extended period of time it’ll be done, anyway. It’s just a way to pass the time.

Even though Holly’s pretty proud of the fact that she’s beyond a rebound. She’s breaking new ground here, really.

Sav’s hand is warm on her arm, and his lips are soft on her neck, sliding over the spot that makes her bend her legs a little bit, his fingers tightening around her elbow to hold her upright. And he doesn’t care _where_ she goes or is going, he just hopes...she doesn’t know what he wants for her other than this, right now.

It’s nice.

*

 _Anya’s mom has cancer. And all I could think about what me, that it had something to do with me. Two steps forward, one giant step back._

 _Remind me again why you’re friends with me, and then destroy this email because it’s disgustingly whiny._

*

Holly regrets sending the email to Jane immediately, because it’s cryptic and pathetic and not like something she’d ever, ever do. And bordering on telling her about this Sav thing.

But she can just see Anya’s face, can still almost feel the shake of her shoulders underneath her palm. She hasn’t seen her cry like that since Grade 7 when Holly had...but it’s not about Holly. She wasn’t crying because of something mean Holly said, or because she somehow knows that Holly’s been hooking up with Sav. It’s serious, and Holly feels ridiculous, suddenly, about her own stupid problems that aren’t _really_ problems.

She’s about to get up and meet Fi for their coffee date when her phone pings with her email notification tone.

 _I’m friends with you because you’re Holly J. Sinclair and I love you. Suck it up._

*

Fiona’s spiraling over the deposition, Sav’s sending her constant updates about Vegas night, and Holly hasn’t talked to or emailed Jane in what feels like weeks, so when she sees Spin and Emma out buying a Christmas tree it feels like the proverbial straw for some reason. They’re laughing, and they look so... _happy_. All Holly can think about for a full minute as she stands completely still is Jane, how much she still misses her sometimes. How hard the distance is. How sometimes she wonders if they’ll still be friends after this year, or maybe the next. How long anything can really last.

She leaves before they can see her, spinning around and figuring she can go get the rest of the decorations tomorrow. When she gets home, there’s an email from Jane, apologizing but saying that she and her Mom are flying to France for Christmas. _You can’t pass up France,_ it says, and Holly thinks back to the smile on Spin’s face.

 _I hate you,_ she replies, typing fast before she can change her mind or think about anything else going on right now, _as long as you’re cool with that then have a great time._

*

When Jane calls her late one night, telling her all about France, Holly’s almost glad that there’s so much _else_ to tell her about why Degrassi’s now a Police State, stabbings and boiler room blow jobs and prostitution and everything else. It makes it less like there’s a giant hole in the explanation, less like she’s not telling her about what happened with Sav.

Oh, God. She stripped in the middle of a school _dance_. Although, the worst part is when she thinks about it, she’s not sorry it happened, she’s sorry she got caught.

She remembers the look on Sav’s face and how it made her _feel_ and yeah, she’d do it again.

“Dude, are you listening?” Jane asks from the other end of the line, and Holly tries to focus.

*

Declan comes back and Holly feels like she’s lost all of her control. In everything. She just - she’s mad at him and she’s mad at Fi and she’s mad at _herself_ because this whole year feels like it’s been an uphill climb and now she’s back at the very bottom.

She can’t tell Sav. She didn’t think she cared that much for Sav until she did...this. Until Declan did this. _They_ did this. And she can’t take it back.

She ends things with Declan, telling him things she’s not sure she really means, and comes home to stare at her acceptance letter and ignore Sav’s calls. A week ago, this would have felt great. A week ago, she hadn’t fucked up. Rolling over on her bed, Holly reaches for her laptop, signing into her email and typing in Jane’s name.

 _I didn’t want to sleep with Declan, but I still did. I don’t know what to call it, but a mistake doesn’t feel right. It probably fits the best. This is really the end of us, though. Please don’t freak out, but I had to tell someone. And...there’s more. I’ve been dating Sav. For months. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it was really dating, but now I feel like a cheater, and I feel weird and used and awful and gross._

 _I got into Yale. I wish I had applied to Stanford._

 _You’re so far away._

*

 _Did he....Holly, if you don’t feel like you had a choice, then tell me right now and I’ll come help you take care of it._

*

“No,” Holly keeps her voice steady when Jane’s voicemail picks up, “it’s fine.”

It _is_ fine.

*

The fact that Sav’s back with her, after everything, after finding out (most) of what happened with Declan, it means something.

His weight on top of her is comforting, his mouth hot on hers, tongue tracing her bottom lip as she shifts so her leg slides between his. Sav’s fingers are tangled in her hair, and she turns her head so she can kiss him deeper while his other hand travels up the side of her leg, fingers slipping under the hem of her shirt and tracing along the skin on her hip.

Holly can feel herself hesitate, just briefly, her palms flexing against Sav’s chest. His fingers still immediately, his hand untangling from her hair. When she opens her eyes he’s staring down at her, his eyes dark.

“Hey,” he whispers, leaning down to brush his lips against hers once before he plants his hand next to her head, bracing his weight and carefully shifting off of her, landing on his back on her bed.

“Sav,” she says, turning her neck so she can look at the side of his face, at how the muscles along his neck are tight, his jaw working slowly as he breathes.

“You okay?” He asks, cutting his eyes in her direction before moving his arm, making a space for her there. “C’mere.”

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Holly settles next to him, feeling the sharp intake of breath under her palm when she slides her hand up his chest. She moves, curving her fingers over his shoulder. His hand comes up, wrapping his fingers around her wrist. “I’m good.”

“Good,” he says, and Holly listens to him take deep, calming breaths, his heartbeat still stuttering against her forearm. She closes her eyes, resting her forehead against his shoulder, and relaxes.

*

“So I’ve been thinking,” Jane starts, and Holly cuts her off, putting her on speaker so she can finish making her bed.

“Hold on...okay, so, you’ve been thinking about what?” Holly straightens her blanket, pausing to rest her hand on it for a second.

“This Sav thing,” Holly jerks her hand back to her side, wondering how Jane knows everything, when Jane continues, “does this mean I have to make out with him now?”

“Wait, _what_?” Holly turns up the volume on her phone, tucking her hair behind her ear, and waits for Jane to respond. Before she can, though, her phone beeps once and Jane’s face flashes on the screen. _Call disconnected._ Holly’s about to call her back when the doorbell rings.

Stepping out of her bedroom, Holly walks down the hallway to the door, figuring that Sav came a little early. Instead, it’s -

“I mean, we have a history with the men in our lives,” Jane says as soon as Holly swings the door open, “so just let me know if I have to go fulfill any sort of obligation. I would do that for you.”

“First of all,” Holly grabs the strap of Jane’s purse on her shoulder, pulling her in, “I never made out with Spin, and _second_ ,” she shakes her head, hugging Jane, her mouth right next to Jane’s ear and her voice coming out muffled, “what are you doing here??”

“Spring break,” Jane says when Holly finally lets go, dropping her bag on the floor and grinning, “I figured I could spend at least a couple of days here.”

“I...” Holly can’t think of anything to say. Jane starts laughing.

*

“I haven’t heard from you much lately,” Jane’s on the bed, staring up at the ceiling while Holly texts Sav to cancel their plans, “since...you know.”

“Oh.” Holly tosses her phone on the desk and sits next to her, stretching out and crossing her arms. “It was...Sav and I were...he knows, now.”

“He _knows_?” Jane’s voice floats out above them, and Holly exhales.

“That I slept with Declan. That I made a mistake.” Holly shakes her head, continuing, “But we...it was a weird way we got back together that I’ll have to tell you about later, but...I don’t know, I really, he really gets it.”

“Hold on, that _you_ made a mistake?” Jane’s restless, her arm pressing against Holly’s. “What about...”

“Whatever happened, it happened.” Holly says, feeling more confident with everything, with Jane next to her, than she has in weeks. “It’s not going to rule my life, which is pretty good right now.”

“Huh. It’s not ending? I seem to recall someone thinking their life was ending.” Her voice is quiet and calm, but Jane’s hand is moving down Holly’s arm, straightening it and interlacing their fingers. She squeezes, once, and Holly blinks up at the ceiling, swallowing hard.

“Hey, you don’t have to go off to Stanford to grow as a person,” Holly squeezes back, turning her head so she can meet Jane’s eyes.

“And here I thought I was so much better than you.” Jane’s raising her eyebrows at Holly, and Holly nods back.

“We’ll consider it equal, how about that for a compromise?” Holly whispers, the tips of her fingers going numb as she holds Jane’s hand even tighter.

“Sure, if equal means that I’m way better.” Jane shrugs, smiling over at Holly. She moves her head so that their foreheads are touching, and Holly can feel Jane’s breath fanning over her face. It smells like cinnamon, like the gum Jane always chews.

“If that’s what you want to believe, fine.” Holly ducks her head, something tightening in her chest when Jane presses her lips to Holly’s forehead, her other hand smoothing over Holly’s hair. She wants to say so many things to Jane, she wants to say _I miss you_ , or _stay_ , or _I feel better when you’re here_. She doesn’t say any of that.

“Shouldn’t you be more tan?” Holly asks instead, relaxing into Jane. “You can study outside, you know.”

“Oh my God, shut up.” Jane laughs, and Holly can feel it traveling through her whole body, warmth pooling in her chest and flooding down her arms and legs. She feels good, just...so good. Like anything could happen and she wouldn't care because she has all of this, right now. How she has everything.


End file.
